So.There

What happened? Did you really fall so low you had no other way out? Was it an accident? Did you just need an extra ambian to help you sleep but it was a little too much? Everyone wants to know why. Did we all fail you when you needed us the most. Did I not call enough? Every time I tried to call as soon as you got home you had to go. You didn't want to upset Tara. You walked on eggshells. You either loved her that much or you were terrified of her. Maybe both. I am kicking my ass trying to figure out if there was something I could have done.

I wished you could have seen it. Everyone was there. We held a memorial for you at the lake. It was so beautiful and so YOU. Everyone stood up and shared what they loved about you. Gabby was there. I know that would have made you happy. You always said you wished you could have been friends with her. I didn't know your brother played guitar and sang so well. You would have been so proud of him. I met so many new people. But we were all there for the same reason...because you had touched our lives in some way. Patrick came from China. Steven and Jodi came from Louisiana. Troy came from SD. Speaking of Troy I think him and Rashelle are going to start dating. She met him at your viewing. I know you would have gotten a kick out of that. She calls him "Mr. Perfect". In two days shes driving out to see him. If it wouldn't have been for you passing away she would have never met him. It's funny how that works.

It's been a month and sometimes I forget. Sometimes I reach for the phone to call you. I think of funny stories only you would get. I still had so much I wanted to tell you. The secrets only you knew. The last thing you wrote on FaceBook. What did that mean? I don't even know any more Andrew. I never in a million years expected you to leave us. No goodbye...nothing. What do we do now. Just go on with this enormous fucking canyon in all of our hearts? I guess all I can do is write you a letter you will never see and hope that over time it gets easier. Goodbye APP. There isn't even words to describe what we feel without you here.