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30 March, 2000 |
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To All the Happy People, |
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I'd like to apologize. I'm going to apologize for offending so many of you by being depressed. I'm sorry that it upsets so many of you to see someone suffering or that it hurts you so much that sometimes we let people know that we suffer. But I'm tired of hearing all the complaints. I'm tired of hearing you scorn the people who need medication just to function. You see, I'm one of those people. And every time you say "I wish they would just kill themselves instead of just saying that they want to" I'm tempted to do just that. But there I go again. You hate when we say something like that. You hate when we say "I hurt" or "I'm sad" or "I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this." Because depression isn't really a disease you say. And it's not warranted to feel this way. There are a few exception, maybe, in your mind. Some forms of abuse would make it okay, some horrendous accident that leaves a person paralyzed, or losing a loved one would make it okay for a while. But those are the only times it's okay. And then you only accept it for short periods of time. Everyday I tell myself that it's going to get better, that I'll be okay again. That everything will stop feeling so hopeless, that eventually things will start going my way. Every single fucking day. And that makes a person tired. You see, it's a vicious cycle. And it's one of the hardest fights a person will ever have to go through. Because it's all an internal struggle. In my case, there are no scars to point to, there's no way to cure it. I can't point out a single place on my body and say "this is where it hurts." I sometimes wonder why mental illness gets picked on so much. Should someone with reoccurring cancer want to die, then that would be okay. Or else you would reassure them, you would support them. But not us. Because you think this isn't really a disease… I used to say that I wished no one else understood how I felt, because no one should have to live this way. But I've changed my mind. I want you to understand. I don't want your pity or your sympathy. I just don't want to have to deal with your scorn anymore. I'm trying to get better. I'm praying to any god that will listen. I'm seeking help everywhere I can. I'm fighting back. But you can't see that. Because it's all inside. |
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