This is the first time that your absence has been beyond my will, and I can’t stand it. I find my mind wandering aimlessly, trying to cope with the fact that your company can’t be had. Trivial worry twists towards sickening depression. I don’t know how to handle it. I beg all my emotion turn silent.

This sort of ordeal makes me question our relationship yet again. It’s times like these which impel me to the limits of my endurance. How am I to deal with your leaving? How will it feel should you find someone else? What will I do when I come to realize we cannot influence each other’s lives any longer? Questions hard to face, with answers I curse forever secluded.

It is this day that I have come to realize that your interest in me is nothing in light of my desire for you. I want no misunderstanding. I so value our friendship. The words and experiences we’ve shared mean a lot to me, to the point of saying that knowing you has left an impression that cannot be reproduced. However, you have to understand that none of what we shared would have ever come to be had I not found such sincere love for you. Every miniscule effort to be with you, to talk to you, and to know who you are was done in faith that you could one day love me. Well, my faith has left me, and with its departure comes realization. I cannot have you. If there was anything I could do to make you change your mind, I would do it, no matter the penalty. Some people would say this is selfish and wrong. They would be right. It devastates me to know that everything I have and everything I am simply wasn’t enough to gain your affection. I gave all that I could spare. No, I gave everything, and it has left me empty hearted.

We’ve talked about where our relationship was going before. I know I said many times that one of us was going to crack. I never thought it would be me. If you remember, I mentioned cutting off our relationship completely should this happen. Well, it happened. Please don’t think this is unfair. If seeing you didn’t hurt so bad, I’d be more than happy to stay in your life as your friend, but how can I cope with the idea that I can never have you? You are everything I want. You are one which everyone strives to be. There is every reason to want you. You are to die for. You bring life to those around you. This affect you have on people is quite possibly the most pure love I have ever known. It pains me to know our friendship can never excel to something greater. The agony in knowing this is magnified when I am in your presence. As enjoyable as it is to be around you, it is all so dismal to see your beauty knowing I can never be a part of it. Unfortunately the pain far outweighs the joy. How I wish this wasn’t so.

When I first met you and saw your luminescence, I knew that I had to make every conceivable effort to get a glimpse of your warm, wondrous, and gentle radiance. I meant every word: I live for you. But know that I cannot live in your shadow. Honestly, the only way this can be done is if I stop talking to you. I wish there was another way, but this is the only way I can deal with this situation. I suppose I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being strong enough to control my emotion. I’m sorry for not keeping my promise to always be there for you. I’m sorry for saying goodbye. Find the kindness in your heart to forgive me and let us part while I’m still sane.