So, Hrmm... I knew this was coming. I could feel it in my head, my soul, the tips of my fingers... my bones. I knew that you had to say it. I knew because it's happened so many times before. and I've felt the same way.

I did my hair to write this letter. It's all pinned back and sparkly with glass diamonds. It's a special occasion because I'm going to be honest. Blood and guts honest. I didn't want to write back. I didn't want to read what I knew you were going to write. But I did and now I'm writing. Writing to let you know where I'll forever stand on this issue.

It's pointless to bother with the "HI. How are you?" bull shit because that's all it is and I know that's not what you want to hear anyway. So I'll cut right into the heart of things because that's what I want to see myself saying.

I've realized that I need to wake up next to someone. I need to feel the warmth of another body. A body that I love. I need someone to touch my heart and sew all the hairline cracks back together. I need someone to kiss away my tears and to hold me until I finally stop shaking. I need someone to know what I'm going to say before I even think it. I need love and closure.

I have these things. all of them. they just aren't in the same person. I can't find that one person. I can't find my secret agent lover man. But I'm sure he's out there. I know that somewhere there is someone who'll understand me at first glance but won't ever try to figure me out. That's what I want, that's what I need.

You were my lover. you were a part of my soul but things changed and you and I left. That spot never healed over but it changed shape. You don't fit there anymore. My heart beats for someone else now. Me.

I can't change the way I feel. I can't change the way I am. I refuse to feel something that isn't there. For you and me it won't ever be there again. It can't.

I'm not the same person you knew a year and a half ago. I'm not as tough anymore. I have big, deep holes in me. I'm softer. Like putty. I melt when I'm touched and I live for it. I live for Julia's hugs and Natalie's comforting strokes. I live for Ben's awkward hugs and his unbelievable smoothness and sweetness. Our house has become my only dream. We are going to live together, because we love each other, In a big white house with rocking chairs and gardens and a pond. Arden is coming too 'cause she's our pixie. I love bubbles and dream of cool, strong winds. My skies are purple with blue suns and constant stars. Mark, I'm different now. A different you don't know. And it's not because you haven't asked, it's because you simply can't.

What I'm getting at is that you and I have changed. We are like oil and water. We don't blend. We don't mix. And this time opposites don't attract.

You're in love with love, not me. The idea has struck your fancy. It seems the solution to all your problems. I can't do that anymore. I can't be your crutch to lean on whenever you need me. We did that and I can't live through it again. I can't and I won't.

I think that I've said all I can say for one night. I did my hair too tight and now its time to take them down. It's time to move on.

A boy named Austin thought me a few things. One fits here nicely. Don't go for the pretend, pretty things, life is way too short to be chasing after those. Go for the real, bloody, touchable things. That's where the ride is at.

You know you'll always be in my heart but I can't love you the way you want me to. You can't make a dent in my bed, kiss my temples when I have a headache, or rub my back when it screams with pain. That's what I need and I won't ask you for it. Too much pain in doing so.

Forever,