Why am I writing this when it's been almost a year since I last spoke to you? I feel as if I'm opening up old wounds, ones that never quite healed though. A lot has happened since that last argument that we had and maybe you've heard about it and maybe you haven't.

I left Michael, even after you told me I shouldn't. You told me I was doing it for the wrong reasons, reasons that I had made up myself. I wasn't giving my marriage a fair shot, I was ruining my son's life; all of those things you said to me on that August evening. I wrote you that letter in an attempt to open up to you and give you some sort of insight as to what I was feeling. You in turn held that openness against me and made me feel like an awful person. I cried so hard that night and believed every mean thing you said about me. Remember when you told me I was going to end up just like my mother if I didn't watch out? Maybe that was the worst thing you've ever said to me. For you to think that I could abandon my son the way she did me, that was painful. And I wept about it. I wept for hours on end. I got off the phone and ran as hard as I could to my safe place; crying and trying as hard as I could to not scream at God for making me feel the way I felt at that time. And I sat in the park and looked up at the sky and wondered if you were right. Because you always had that effect on me. You could always make me feel as if everything I did was so completely wrong and everything you did was right. Maybe you're manipulative, but then again that's what you call me so maybe that's not it at all. I don't know Cyndie, I don't know what to say anymore.

I've gone on with this life of mine, even with thoughts of you in tow. I've moved home and I'm only 5 minutes from your house which is where I always wanted to be. I'm not going to call you and apologize to you for what happened between us because I'm not that person anymore. I won't take the blame for everything that has been wrong in our friendship, because it hasn't always been me. I've done horrible, mean things to you and I've apologized so much for them but I've always felt as if I've lived my life in hopes of some sort of forgiveness from you. I don't think I'll see that forgiveness. You said that I've changed and yes of course I have. I was in an abusive marriage but you didn't know that did you? You judged me for wanting to leave him before it got to that point. Well Cyndie, it got to that point, am I still wrong? Am I wrong for leaving him after he punched me and sprained my wrist so bad it hurt a month and a half later? Am I wrong for leaving him when every day I prayed for the courage to take my life so I didn't have to cry anymore? Even if you think that I was, I know I wasn't wrong. I think that's the point I was trying to achieve...the point that would have finally allowed you to say to me "Come home, Christina."

It's so sad to think about because I know you sit over there and think of me and say horrible things about me to your children and to anyone who will listen. And they will believe you because you are their mother and well you are just Cyndie and who wouldn't believe what you say? For the longest time I believed everything you said, not anymore. My son, by the way, is fine. He's a well adjusted little boy and is happy to not have to see his mommy and daddy fighting every day as we did for 3 months. He used to find me crying in the closet and bring me kleenex and tell me it would be ok, what a job for a 2 year old. I kicked Michael out of my house in December and he moved right in with another woman. He also cheated on me in November when he visited his family but I guess you expected me to live with the lies and abuse for my son right?

I hope you are well Cyndie. I hear you are pregnant but that your marriage isn't going so well either. That makes me wonder if I should call you up and scream at you and judge you for going through yet another divorce. Should I do that or would it be too painful for you, because it was too painful for me. I won't throw the divorce in your face and I won't tell you that you are ruining any of your children's lives, because I trust that you have good judgement. I wish you had trusted my judgement too.