You never knew that in the three years I've known you, I hated you for the first two and a half. And then one day, through words and conversations, I came to see someone who was not at all like I had originally thought. This person began to develop, you began to become clear-- as someone who completely amazed me. The way in which you thought, spoke, and wrote was unparalleled to anything I had ever before witnessed. Even when you sent me words intended for another girl, so long ago lost, I saw this beautiful person who I had the potential to love. I thought I had found someone who I could at last be myself with, someone with whom I was free to say and do anything I felt. And never would I have to worry about repercussions or judgment.

I've loved once before and it destroyed me for so long. I became incapable of anything more than breathing on a day to day basis. He crushed me in the worst ways. And all of this I shared with you. All of this and so much more. You knew. You knew how I had been hurt, how my expectations had been trampled upon, how someone had deceived me into believing they were something wonderful and true. And you promised me that you would never do the things he had done. Never to run or lie or say things that could never be. And so I fell. I won't call it love, because I've learned that is a tricky word that comes with many misconceptions and requires years of knowing someone. No, it's not love. But it could be, or rather, it could have been. If not for the way in which I have come to discover that you, like him, are not at all how you appear.

Our interaction is of the most bizarre sort. It is on another level of human connection. One that no one else we know can even begin to understand. They are amazed at the way in which we innately understand each other, by the way in which we express ourselves. And yet, even with all of the people in the world standing in awe of this thing that has been created, you are not fazed. Somehow, you want more than I am able to be. Honesty, trueness, purity- these things are not enough. But I don't know what else to give or say or be. I'm trying so hard, so incredibly hard to come to an understanding as to why you're so hesitant to even speak to me anymore. But the truth is that I don't know why someone would not want to continue with something that is so wonderful. Why someone cannot just allow themselves to be free. Or allow control to be abandoned for one precious moment so that they can truly live. These are things that I don't understand. And maybe it is this one thing that makes us too different to ever be anything- friends or otherwise.

I'd like to say that I hate you. That I hate you for leading me on, and for saying such beautiful things that can never truly be mine, for misleading and misguiding. But I don't and I never will. Because you still amaze me. I still see this as so wonderfully real, that I can't just walk away. I'm not strong that way. I don't run, and sometimes that leaves me beaten down and on my last breath. But I've never been able to hide or spill lies to save myself. You're all about self-protection, and I've never been able to protect myself when I recognize someone as being wonderful. And so it's funny, that in this little game, we've both been protecting you. Funny, because now you're leaving and will be just fine, while I'll be the one gathering all of my missing pieces. Because during this whole wonderful, strange, glorious thing, neither of us ever thought to consider me. And the final realization is that I am not enough, with all of my honesty and heartbreaking truth, I am still not enough.

Be well always,