I've been meaning to write this letter for so long. I forgot why I am even doing it. Maybe, just so that you can know what you have done to me, and what you continue to do to me, or maybe to tell you why I love you and hate you so much at the same time.

You used me, I knew it for all of the 6 months we were together, I just loved you so much that I refused to admit it. You were my first love, my first everything, and you broke my heart.

When we first broke up, I acted like I didn't care, that it was for the best, my friends had no idea how I felt. I was dying. I've always been the level headed one, I thought that my friends were stupid to fall for the ones who used them, that I would be smart enough to know better. I wasn't. You made me realize that I wasn't as invincible as I had always thought I was. You crushed my entire vision of myself. It didn't help that you had a new girlfriend within a week, I couldn't understand how you could move on so quickly.

Eventually I got over you, I moved on, I guess it was easier because I didn't see you out of school, all I ever saw were a few fleeting glances occasionally in the halls. Everything was fine. Until one my friends, one of the best I've ever had, decided that she had a crush on you. All of a sudden you were always there. I had to see her flirt with you, and you flirt with her. I was on the top bunk while you cheated on your girlfriend with her below me. Once in awhile someone would ask me how I felt about it, but I could I ever tell them the truth.

I kept trying to tell myself that you'd be better of with my friend or that you were immature or not my type. It worked for awhile but then lately that has all changed. Your dumping your girlfriend so that you can go out my friend. It could happen any minute. It could be happening right now as I write this letter. There's no way to know. I hate you for doing this to me.

I'm scared. I am not sure of what, all I am sure of is that it's fear. I am scared of falling in love you again. Scared of falling in love with the good Chris, the one who I used to catch looking at me from across the class, the one who always have rest arm on me, and smile that sexy little smile of his. I miss you, but I hate you for doing what you've done to me.

But in the end I guess that I'll always love you. Always.