I was thinking today about how beautiful you used to be, how much you loved Paris, how much elegance and grace you possessed. And then I thought of all of the anger you held inside yourself - I remembered all of the pain and the fear you felt growing up and living as a child in an adult world. And how, even though I loved you more than you could even understand, you still left me.

At the service yesterday, everyone told me how much you talked about me, how much you loved me. Well, forgive me, mom, but how can it be true? You made a selfish decision. All you left me was your stupid purse and a house full of bad memories. I get your boxes full of musty clothes and your makeup and your pain. Because as much as I fight it, I AM you. I feel your anger and your hate and your jealousy. Now I'm holding on to dad for dear life because this all brings me one step closer to being alone.

So, while I should be crying, I'm burning up inside because of your decision. I'm burning up because I had to leave my friends in North Carolina so that I could spend a week alone in my room thinking about how much I'm going to miss you. I had to listen to everyone weep for me while I cursed at your memory and remembered how just a week ago I was exclaiming, "The bruises are gone!"

You could have left a note. I suppose all love is conditional.

Jazzy