You'll probably never read this, which is why I feel safe writing it. I love you too much to tell you these things directly.

I hate you. I promised myself that I would never use that word unless it was something I truly meant... I don't always mean it when I think it about you, but right now, I do. After hours of crying because I'm so much in love with you, I can sit back calmly and say that I truly hate you for what you've done to me.

Since I met you, my depression sort of started to go away. I know that you could never cure me completely, it just isn't possible, but everybody said they noticed a change in me. They said I was happier, because I was. You made me happy.

And I never thought that you would be the person who would hurt me so much to send me hurtling back to the way I felt twelve months ago. I don't know if I could have handled your rejection any better if I were in a more emotionally stable state of mind, or if I'm over-reacting to something which in a years time I won't even think of... I just feel betrayed. It's stupid and wrong, but I feel like you tricked me. I hate you for doing it, and I hate myself for believing you.

We both know how terrible self-hatred is. I'm not sure I could admit this to you, but I thought about cutting myself again. I don't know if you'd understand this. You managed to revive a thousand insecurities which you yourself helped to destroy... I feel like I deserve to feel that pain because I'm not good enough for you. That sounds so ridiculous, I know it does. I can't find a way to explain it so that it makes sense.

It's your fault, all of it. I didn't want to say that, but it's true. I feel this way because of what you have done. It's so difficult trying to find fault in your conscious actions, because you've never tried to hurt me once, but there's a part of me that *needs* to hate you, and perhaps this is why I have started to hate myself again; I need to be able to blame you for something real.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I've created this situation.

I don't want you to read this letter, because you didn't do any of it on purpose, and despite my strong feelings of loathing and anger, I would never, ever want to hurt you.

I just want things to be normal again.

All my love,

Frances.