Well it will be two years this December. Well things have been going okay with me. My mom and I are getting along okay now and I have a wonderful boyfriend who understands me just as well as you did. His name is Chris Baxter and just like us, he and I clicked from the moment we talked. I opened up to him even though I didn't even know him. I told him about our great 11 days that we shared together. I haven't been back to that place since I last saw you.

I miss you and I know I'm not the only one. I wish I could have got to know you better. I wish I knew your family and I wish I had the chance to meet your brother you talked about so fondly. Well your gone and in a better place I think and I hope so. I just wish you would have gone a better way.

I thought I made you see that doing this wasn't going to make you better just make you worse. I didn't talk to you the night you left. I talked to you the day before.

When I left the hospital I hated to see it end like that since we left on bad terms. Then I get a call from you telling me how much you were sorry and how I meant so much to you. Before that phone call nothing could have helped me, but to hear you say that I help you in that way made me realize that I meant something to someone. I felt so good about myself for the first time in my life. Then I get a call from your friend the next day. I don't remember her name or the whole conversation but all I remember is that she said that you told her to tell me that I meant a lot to you and that you missed me but that your time was up and that it was your time to go. She told me you were in the hospital getting your stomach pumped and that you were probably not going to make it. Her lasted words to me were, "If you don't hear back from me or her that she is probably dead," and then hung up.

I stopped breathing for one moment and looked around the room. I didn't burst out into tears but I felt them start rolling down the side of my face. I cried for days and then I remember that you told me that, "Crying will get you no where, Amanda." I knew at that time that I had just lost the first person I loved. You were dead. You were gone. No more talks with you no more laughing. This was serious this time.

I still have every note you wrote me when we were in the hospital together. Every last one of those notes. Every time I read them I become stronger. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and how you are doing.

I miss you. Why did you do it? To this day I will never understand, I still don't understand why I tried to do the same thing. There are so many people that love you and care about you and miss you. Well it's over with and you can't change what is in the past and your the one who told me that.

Keep on living the life your living, where ever you might be, and take this with you ~ If the people we love are taken from us the way to have then live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn and people die but real love is forever.

I love you and miss you ~

Amanda