I'm writing this in the hope that putting my agony into word will somehow ease the pain. Holding memories of you all. Emily, Tara & Steff

I wake up every morning, the light through my window. It should bring me joy. But my dreams have closed. The happiness I derive from sleep gone, and the cold, grey harshness of reality once again grips my soul. As I sit up, the emptiness grows. I desperately cling to the regularity that has been my life for years. But I cannot escape the lost memories of you all. Inside my heart, there is no longer the joy of my youth. The closeness of friends. Good times, bad times, they are all memories. Memories are all I have, of each and every one of you that touched my soul.

I rise and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The burnt out eyes, peer back from the reflection, confirming my worst fears once again. I'm still here. My dreams are exactly where they are. My escape gone. 8 years of pain stare back. I can no longer bear to look at myself in the mirror for the memories of smiles no longer peer back.

As I walk the cold streets, faces blend into insignificance, only the images of your faces projected onto the strangers that pass me by. I desire for the happiness to return to my life, but I reject every opportunity. Eight years of sorrow have taken their toll on my desire to get close to anyone again. My parents, once the backbone of my life, blend into insignificance against the backlog of tears I've shed in your names.

I hold the past as my sceptre. The one leading light in my life. My happy memories gone of you all, only the feelings of loss inhabit my days. I look back, desperately searching for those good times but find them awash under the tide of self-despair. Most of you barely knew who I was. Inside. Only one knew the true personality that I hid away. My masks are impossible to break. I loose myself behind them, becoming someone else. The lies, the denial, all weigh heavily on my mind like a ball and chain round my ankle. Many of you tried to break the link, which drove you away. My self-pity is my martyr, driving me deeper into myself. The days alone, the nights restless, all with the memories of my past tearing me apart.

Each of you touched my hearts in more ways than you could ever imagine. In the agony of my life, your were all the light I needed. But my own gluttony and selfishness drove you away. Demanding more than you could every give, in the hope of showing you exactly what was in my heart.

So now my days are inhabited by loneliness. Loneliness you'll never see. And for that I'm grateful. For if you saw me now, the happy memories I hope you all hold, will vanish into pity for the shadow that you once loved.

Daniel