I try writing you letters sometimes. I sometimes try looking you up through different search engines... thinking maybe, just maybe, you've got your email listed, or your new phone number. I never realized the hurt and pain I was causing myself by doing this, until two days ago.

I found you, in Alabama. I know you are in Alabama, because your sister told me so. And there it stood, slapping me in the face... your name written out so clearly... with your phone number beside it. The problem is, I never expected to find you, or your phone number, or your email... and that was the whole fun of looking. To assure myself that you WEREN'T reachable. You weren't touchable. You were gone, just like I swore I always wanted you to be, but never thought you would....

What's so bad about finding you? I must then proceed to go through all the usual pep-talks and reasoning conversations with myself... about how I don't love you anymore and we are simply not meant to be. I must rerun all those lines you so conveniently fed me, night after night of late nights on the phone... just to talk myself out of wanting to call.

Of course... I still can not understand what I see in you. Do I see anything in you? Is it simply that you are the only boyfriend I am not still able to control? Is it because you don't want to see me or speak to me anymore? Is it because even if I wanted to call you, I would be so damn afraid of the rejection, that it could never ever happen?

I wonder about you sometimes. I wonder if you lie in bed awake at night too, and think about all the wrong you have done and wonder if it would make any sense to apologize for it. I wonder if you have finally found the heart you claimed to have given to me... because I know you never had one when I knew you. I wonder if you are in love, and if she is pretty....

I wonder if your beautiful brown eyes ever pierce anyone else's soul like they did mine... I wonder if you have broken any more hearts along the crooked path you have been following. I wonder if you have found God. I wonder if you have finally learned how to treat people...

And although I doubt all of these things have happened or ever will happen to you, I still pray every night that they will.

So for now, I suppose it would be best to keep silent, not telling you that I still secretly would love to try again... or that I do in fact remember the stars you used to reserve for me... or that I can still, to this day, remember the taste and warmth and passion on your lips as they fell ever-so-gracefully upon mine. Or... that I truly, honestly, without a doubt, no questions asked... forever and always will... love you.

Eden