I'm sure you were incredibly surprised to have heard from me, especially after what you probably read about my feelings toward you in my online journal. I essentially reduced you to an immature, coke-addled, obese alcoholic who was watching his future wasted away on the menial pleasures of today.

These are feelings I still have, and hold onto as truths about you. And unless you experience a satori which causes you to face these facts and grow from a child nearing the age of 32 into a man of his years, these are feelings I will carry with me.

That said, I wish you no harm, and hope beyond hope that the changes you so desperately need to make in your life will happen to you. Your fear of living your life out loud is hampering you in ways you don't even understand.

There was a point when I had so much to say to you, about how much I did enjoy the good times, and how much you hurt me when you left. At one time, I even wanted to begin again with you, and I know you, too, are sorry you ended our relationship, that you wanted me back in your heart even though your voice spoke no, that you still want me back even today. I see it in your letters to me now, and in the way you look at me when I see you on the street, for I know you better than I know anyone else.

But none of this matters to me anymore, because I understand there was a truth behind what you last said to me, that you could not give me what I needed. I realize now you could never help me grow; that only I can make that happen. I also know that not only will you not help me, but with you, I will wither and die.

We are so different as people, for I realize I have my life to live, and I'm going out and doing it. You fear yourself, what you can accomplish, who you could become. And though in our time together I saw all that potential, I have also seen in our time apart how unlikely it is that you will ever actualize it.

I know you'll find me to be cruel, even though I feel I'm just relating to you harsh realities under which you exist day by day. Either way, I hope you'll understand that there is nothing between us anymore, and it would take an incredible amount of work on your part to change that fact. Perhaps you will change, if not for me, then at least for yourself. Until that time, I offer you the best that I can and much luck in your future endeavors. May God be with you.

Brian