I'm sorry.

It's the only statement that makes any sense, and it's more for me than for any of you.

I recently spent a weekend at one of those large events with crowds of people that constantly remind me of what's missing in my life. And then I think of you and I have to wonder if it's missing because it's not meant to be or because I screwed up somewhere.

I made a decision on the way home that enough is enough and I was going to ask Kathryn out. It seems kind of fitting that I should find out that evening from my parents that you're getting married, Kathy. All the times I called you without getting to speak to you and all the times we never seemed to be outside at the same time should've given me a clue I guess. I'll chalk you up to "it just isn't meant to be" I think.

And regardless of how much crap I'll get from any of my friends that ever see this, I still miss you Heather. I miss the girl I knew in college who I could watch and listen to when everybody was hanging out. I miss the girl I kept trying to be friends with, who more than one person told me would be my friend if we just weren't so much alike. I even miss the girl that I watched go out with my (our?) friends; because even though you weren't with me, I got to see you. It was hard more often than not to see you so happy with someone else, but I still miss having you in my life. I miss you a lot. But I still hope the woman you are is happy.

And Barbara. The first girl I ever *knew* I loved. You actually provided me with another reason to get up in the morning. Even only seeing you for a few minutes still made my day much brighter than any I have now. I wish I could just walk over to your dorm room right now and spend another lazy afternoon just enjoying your company. But I can't. You've moved on with your life, as you should.

I don't know if any of you understand how I felt (feel) about you. I don't know if you would have been flattered or frightened had you found out. That's probably why I never told you what I was (and am) truly feeling. Maybe that's where I screwed up along the way. Maybe I should've opened my mouth and expressed a little emotion.

Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore. That past made its opportunities of joy available to me and I passed them by. I am faced now with only the distant memories of love barely touched and the withered dreams of what might have been. Thank you for being in my life.

And again, I'm sorry.

Jon