Not much do I have to ask for? What a lie, everyone has too much to ask
for and not everything will be granted. That is how life is and I hate
it because the things I want most I will never get, and that is how life
is unfair.
I feel that I am blessed in some ways. Oh yes I do have a nice family
and home to live in. And a dog that pays attention to me. A best friend
that I don't know where I found. I was lucky to get her and I am lucky
to get the chance to worry about her. I fear I worry too much about her
but it's not something I can and will ever be able to help. She is like
my little sister, one that I'll never have and that I feel lucky for.
And no God I don't want love because I feel that I can't love. I don't
believe I have the ability to do so. I don't know if I will ever have
the chance because I feel I am not worth someone's love. No one should
waste their time on me. Yes maybe I'm asking for your pity and hoping
that maybe you'd answer my prayer. But, there is not all that much hope
in these words that I type. I have lost what little hope I had a long
time ago when everything went wrong. I am trying to recover from it but
I always fear that none of anything would have happened if it weren't
for me. If I had just stayed home instead of ever leaving to go out, go
out and had fun. Fun? What fun was there in all those times, they all
ended with me throwing things away.
Is it worth the pain that I am putting myself through? Any of this
really? Not just little things but the big things that I push and let
other's push. I don't think so any more and then I make stupid promises
to myself saying that "I will just forget it tomorrow, forget
everything,"
It's too hard to forget the little things like that; they stay engraved
into your mind for a long time. These things I don't really want to
forget but I don't really want to remember them any more. And maybe now
what I'm really asking you God is for you to answer my unanswered prayer
so that I can just see if it was worth it. If I would get the broken
heart that I deserve. I want to experience it say that I have, I want
that heartbreak. Strange thing to ask for, I know this but in the end I
want to know if it was worth it.
So please god answer the prayer
~Christa
