You're gonna have to forgive me for using your real name but I have to do it for the sake of anonymity. Most don't know you as Jeremiah, I guess you could include me in that bunch too, but I need to be inconspicuous here.

I have no idea what's going on in your head right now. I became all sullen yesterday when we were together and I haven't talked to you since. I have no idea what you think. You asked if I was mad and I said no and that was the truth. The only person I'm really mad at, as usual, is myself. I'm sorry to be a bitch and shut you out, but I'm literally going insane. I feel like I shouldn't be talking to you because if I do I'm going to drive you crazy, too. I feel as if we'd both be better off if I left you alone. I know that sucks, because we're best friends, and right now you're pretty much my only friend, but I'm going out of my God damned mind right now. I don't know how much you know or if you've noticed a change in my attitude. I cry constantly nowadays. People see me crying at work occasionally, and I told someone about it, too. But I haven't really told anyone close to me, and I definitely don't want to tell you. I don't want you to know what's going on, but I'm so obvious that you notice something's wrong, and I know it's going to piss you off when I don't tell you. But you know what? I honestly believe that it's gonna piss you off when I do tell you what's wrong.

What is wrong? Well, honestly, I really hate you right now. I hate you because you're fucking perfect. You are so perfect. Everything you do is just amazing and awesome. I wouldn't change a thing about you, except one I guess, but I'll digress for now. Every time I close my eyes I see you, you and that stupid flannel and that dog. That dog is so cute. I love the dog. I noticed that you were so sweet with that dog and I felt, ah, I don't know what the hell I felt. And it hurt when you went to grab my hand and I went along with it and you pulled your hand away and laughed at me. It hurt, but it didn't make me really mad. I should have known. I hate being so damn stupid. That just hurt, being that I'm vulnerable and depressed these days. The reason why I'm feeling vulnerable and depressed is, well, because I realized something. I realized that all these years, all this time, in the back of my head, in the bottom of my heart, floating around in my gut, I've loved you very much. I thought I didn't feel that way about you anymore, but I merely suppressed these feelings, and somehow, recently, they came back to the surface. And that, in a nutshell, is why I feel like I'm going insane. You know how it is to love someone you can't have. Hurts, doesn't it? Especially when that person is your best friend, and you treasure your relationship with that person more than anything else in the world. Because my feelings for you are just going to fuck everything up. It seems like they already have. I resent myself for that. I remember when I said I thought you hated me and you said, "not now, not ever," and you were in fact mad that I thought you ever had the capacity to hate me. Well? What I think is that someday you probably will. I think that lowly of myself and I think someday you'll get sick of me because honestly I'm a sickening person. Maybe some weird part of me is trying to make that day come sooner, so maybe it won't hurt as much anymore. I don't know. I wish I did.

I wish I knew what to tell you, besides I'm sorry, I'm sorry this ever happened, I'm sorry I ever hurt you before, I'm sorry for myself and the way I feel and I'm sorry about how this is going to affect us. Every time I fall in love I do it wrong and I fall in love with the wrong people and I honestly don't know what to do with myself besides shut everyone out until it doesn't hurt anymore and try to get you out of my head before I go literally insane. I need to get you out of my head. I need to stop hearing your voice, I need to stop seeing you every time I close my eyes, I need to stop worrying about where you are and how you're doing and what you're thinking about and how much I fuck things up all the time and how you're feeling about me. I think I've truly been in love twice in my life, and the other time, although I'm still not sure if I truly loved him, I thought that hurt, but that didn't hurt nearly as much as this does. And he hurt me a lot. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. But now you know, and I am sorry, and don't worry about me. You can call me if you want, but don't be surprised if I don't call you because this is how things are and I think I'd be better off if I kept myself from calling you. And, I love you, as much as I hate saying it, as much as it hurts me to feel that way.

B.