You hope I'm feeling better about everything.

I know what you need from me, I know you need me to say yes, I feel better, everything is ok...you need me to make you feel better about everything. But to do so would be to lie, and I can't lie. Yet neither do I tell the truth, for while I can't make you feel better neither do I want to make you feel worse.

I don't tell you of the day I left work early because the pain of holding back the tears made me unable to do anything but stare off into space. I don't tell you that I called in sick the next day, still unable to spend a day sitting at a desk that no longer holds your picture. I don't tell you about the tears; the welling, seeping tears, the gasping, gulping sobs.

I don't tell you about the hours I spend escaped into sleep. Because sleep is better than sitting at the computer, seeing you online, knowing you are talking to her, not me. Because sleep is better than sitting at the computer, wondering where you are, knowing you are with her. Because sleep is better than watching TV with all the happy couples coupling. Because sleep is better than listening to all the perky "You've Got Mail!" ads. Because sleep is better than sitting and waiting for mail, when all I receive are mailing lists and spam. Because sleep is better than browsing personal ad sites, comparing everyone to you and feeling nothing but disappointed and hopeless. Because sleep is better than stumbling over my own thoughts, everyone of which seems to lead, inevitably, to you.

I don't tell you of the emptiness I feel, a physical wrenching of my soul that washes over me with the regularity of the tides. I don't tell you of the anger I feel, knowing you led me on, knowing that you used me, knowing your words, while truthful on the surface, lacked sincerity and depth. I don't tell you that I know why you focus on my self-doubt, for it gives you a convenient excuse to turn away....I don't tell you that I know you ignore the strong, confident me, for the strength of that me scares you. I don't tell you of my arrogance, of my surety that my love is too good for you - that I know you've never before experienced something so strong, so pure, that it's very goodness frightens you, that you feel unworthy of it, that you feel unworthy of me. I don't tell you that I know you seek comfort in the familiar past rather than risk the uncertain future. I don't tell you that I think I am too good for you, that I deserve better than you, you with your troubled dramatic life. I don't tell you that none of my fears or doubts or worries matter, that I am still willing to take you and your life on, that I am still willing to risk it all, that I am still willing to take a chance and try and make it work.

I don't tell you I still love you.

I don't say much of anything at all.

You tell me you are my good friend, that you are here for me.

You want to believe this, you want me to believe this, for it assuages your guilt, it eases your conscience; for you want, need, my friendship, you want, need, me to be here for you.

Sure, I say, sure. Sure, you're here for me, just like I'm here for you. I shall forward you funny emails and freaky links just like friends do, just like I always have. I shall coo happily over your triumphs, boo and hiss appropriately at your enemies, weep over your tragedies, smile at your joys. I shall listen without judgement, support without questioning, be happy, be proud, be sympathetic, be angry, be whatever you want/need me to be. I shall sit and listen to how wonderful the new/old girlfriend is, how adorable her children are, what a great time you are having.

And I shall say sure, everything is great with me, I'm cool, couldn't be better, sure. Sure, there's no one holding me when I cry - but you're here for me, right?. Sure, there's no one snuggling on the couch with me - but you're here for me, right? Sure, there's no one laughing with me - but you? You're here for me, right? Sure, there?s no one to share my triumphs with - but you're here for me, right? Sure, I shall say, sure.

I won't say much of anything at all.

I will pretend I don't love you.

I'll hide my love away so well that even I will never be able to find it again. I'll pretend so well that you don?t matter that one day you actually won't matter anymore. It will all be so easy; I'll just stop. I'll stop thinking about you, I'll stop acting upon my feelings, I will deny your existence. And like a candle under glass, with no oxygen to feed the flame, my love will be snuffed. It will all be so easy. Sure, I say, sure.

But you are my good friend, you are always here for me. And you hope I'm feeling better about everything.

Sure, I say, sure.