My heart is breaking. I don't know if you really understand what its like, if you've experienced it before... a part of me says that if you did, you wouldn't pull the shit that you did last night.

I hate going out sometimes. Some of the people we hang out with are wonderful people and good friends, others are godless buffoons trying their hardest to make a negative impression on everyone around them -- reveling in the hatred and chaos they create. They, I think, are the truly evil... without guidance or direction, they are without hope and although they are very young they may as well be dead. Some of these monsters are your friends... some people even think that I am one of them. You know better. You always know my feelings and my thoughts... and I have never even raised my voice to you. Last night you threw it all away, everything we had between us.... and why? To impress your friends? To get rid of me in favor of one of the idiots you flirt with? CANT REMEMBER?? DON'T KNOW?? Let me refresh your memory....

We sat down at the table with Tim and Mike, and you immediately started to ignore me... why the hell do you spend so much time with Tim anyway? You know that he's said and done some awful things to me and others that we know... you know he cant be trusted, yet you treat him like more of a friend than me. Then Kevin, your ex-boyfriend, sits down next to you. Suddenly you're all smiles.... and listening to every word he says, laughing at all of his childish and predictable jokes, taking his cigarettes. Did you forget how he ignored you after he got you in bed that first time? Did you forget how awful he made you feel? After all this, you and Beth start making jokes about how useless men are... yeah, all you need is a vibrator, a computer, and a pizza delivery boy (as long as he's cute, you added -- how witty). Well I am none of those things.... I am a writer, I am a thinker, I am a performer... you got into my world, and you said you loved it there. At the risk of sounding outlandishly arrogant, I'm fifty times smarter than those neanderthals you seem to love flirting with. You said you loved me most for my mind.... bah! The irony of it all is, you'd fucking FLIP if it was me doing all the flirting.... you'd run away crying and make me feel like shit. Well the truth is, you make me feel worse than shit.... you've made me feel alone and unwanted, unnecessaryary and inadequate... and to top it all off -- to make it the perfect evening, you didn't even sleep in our bed. Not one word has been said since last night, not one glance exchanged.... do you even know what's going on in here? Cant you see I'm in pain.... cant you see what you've done? Or is it truly over? You fled this morning with a gym bag, and talked to Tim outside before you got in your car.... no notes left for me, no indication as to where you went or when you'll be back -- information generally given to people you live with in case something bad happens to one of us.

Y'know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel this way again when you know how I've been hurt.... fuck you for leading me to believe you could be trusted with my feelings.... fuck you for ignoring me.... fuck you for not listening... fuck you for not reading this letter.... and although it doesn't give me the least bit of satisfaction, and it doesn't make me feel any better after having written this letter: SO FUCKING THERE.........