There are things you need to understand. I'm dying inside. The depression I face is worse than I'll ever let you see. I'm telling you this for the sole purpose of… I don't know why I'm telling you this. I just feel like it needs to be said but you'll never hear these words, i know that this letter will never be sent. But you need to know this. I wish I could tell you.

I doubt you will ever see me cry, but you'll see the other signs of depression.

I would tell you to watch what you say to me, but I don't want you to be walking on eggshells all the time. But I want you understand that if I flip out because of something you said that it's probably not your fault. I carry with me a lot of emotional baggage. I wish, everyday, that I could throw away the past and start over. Everything that's happened haunts me.

My entire relationship with Dave is a memory that haunts me. Every awful thing he did has been engraved into my mind. And I keep telling myself that it was him, and not you.

And it's not fair to blame you because of what happened in my past. But I'm scared, because to be perfectly honest, I loved Dave. And I got hurt, just like everyone I've ever loved has hurt me. You know about my relationship with my parents and how awful they are. When I was little I loved them, but I don't love them anymore. And I used to have friends that I cared enough about to feel "love" in the friendship sense of the word. They hurt me to.

And all this happened long before our relationship started. But that's where I'm coming from. I'm recovering from an abusive relationship. I have no close ties to friends (with one, perhaps two, exceptions). My parents long ago stopped being supportive. And that's me, feeling all alone in the world, until you came along.

I guess I just want you to know that you scare me. And it's not you. I don't know what else I could ask for in guy. It's just the word "boyfriend" that frightens me. And it scares me when you say "if you keep this up, I might just fall in love with you." But that's not fair either. I shouldn't be scared… and you should (and will) feel whatever you want.

But I'm having this sort of breakdown right now. And I want you to understand. IT'S NOT YOU. None of this really is about you. It's more like you're an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of my life. I don't want to hurt you. I just needed to say all this. And I'm done now. And I'm sorry. And I hope you understand. And scared as I am of these words:

I love you,