There was a time when I thought you were the most beautiful, perfect person on earth. And I would have done anything for you. I DID do anything for you. I wanted to take you into my arms and hold you. I wanted to take all your pain so that you would never have to experience it. I wanted to support you and create a little world around us for us to be happy.

But you wanted nothing from me. My month and a half of pure bliss was apparently a "testing" period for you. You could pretend to love me, but when you realized that I wasn't what you wanted, you threw me away like used trash. And that drove me crazy.

But what hurts me the most is the friendship that we built together. I was all so dear to me, but apparently fake to you. You told me how much you loved me and how much you cared about me and how special I was to you. I believed you, even when you would ignore me for weeks at a time. Periods of time that agonized me even more than I could bear. Because I loved you.

From the beginning I wanted to meet you so badly, I'd stay up at night fantasizing about our first time face to face, our first hug, our first shared experience. Remember when you described to me what it would be like to hold each other, to make love for the first time? And when I got my job, it was so that I could meet you. When I offered to work all those extra hours, it was so I could see you. And when I finally got the plane tickets and the excited rush ran through me, when my fantasy was finally going to become a reality, I was ecstatic.

By this time I knew that we were only friends, but that was enough for me. All I wanted from you was a hug. That's all I asked.

The week before I was to leave, Fritz told me that you were leaving for the Pagan conference the morning of the day I was to arrive and wouldn't be returning for five days. I was upset, but not so upset that I wasn't still excited to see you the last two days before I left.

I know you knew how badly I wanted to see you. You told Teny not to tell me that you met her because you knew I wanted to meet you first. But with no explanation to me, you refused to show your face. After travelling 3000 miles and working for four months, saving every penny, you crushed me with your careless disregard. You crushed my spirit, but my love for you remained intact.

Your guilt let you play the best friend again, and for weeks we were closer than ever. When you became close to Alesia again, and wanted to go see her, I decided to offer to lend you the $500 since I knew you couldn't afford the trip. You told me that you needed that much because you wanted to take her out someplace nice. So I lent it all to you. And you gracefully accepted, telling me lies about how much you loved me. I believed you again.

Two weeks later, you weren't talking to me again. And again, I was agonized. You didn't talk to me until a month later, when you bluntly told me that you didn't want to be my friend anymore because I "flip out too much".

I tried to kill myself that night. I tried to kill myself twice more that week. And it was then that I realized how much I loved my life. You aren't worth my life.

A month or two of me changing and being happy passed when you finally spoke to me again. You told me you hated me and doubted that I ever seriously cared about you in the first place. That made me laugh. Could anything be more ironic? I've never hated you, Ryan. I no longer love you or long for you. I pity you. And I pity your mother who has to support you. And I want to warn all those other girls who have fallen/will fall for you like I did.

I hope that one day you will grow up and realize that the world does not revolve around you. I hope that one day you will stop talking about doing the right things and start doing them. I'm tired of your excuses.

I wish you the best and I wish all your other victims more strength than I had.