I had a dream last night. A very bad dream, actually. I was stuck in a room to watch you and that boy live out a pleasant idyllic life and not have to care about anything or anyone but each other. And I woke up and I was scared to death, but I didn't want to be. But I couldn't help it.

I was talking to a friend about it and I realized why it's so difficult for me to just push you entirely away. We were talking about people I could spend time with and be comfortable around. And she rattled off a list of names, suggestions of comfortable people. And I read through them all. Good friends, too.. The really close ones. And I realized, I'm not actually comfortable around any of them. It scared me to think so, you know?

That's what was bothering me. That's why it's so hard to let go. Because out of all these friends I've ever had, and all these people I might have liked, you're the only one I wasn't acting for. Do you KNOW how hard it is to admit that? I was being real around you. Around Only you. And even now, you're the only one I can be real to. And without you around, what am I? Just an actor? For all those people I shouldn't have to worry about?

But I won't bother with that, because there you are, with your own happy life far enough away that we don't have to deal with each other, with some boy who makes you feel positive things, just because he's there and he's convenient. I wonder what will happen in the summer when you're apart. I guess I could always just pretend like you don't matter to me anymore. At all. But then I'd be acting for you, too.

I hope you were acting for me. I hope I wasn't taken in by the real you. Because if I was, then I'm done for, aren't I.

Likewise, I hope you don't suddenly start acting, like you always did when you tried to protect me. You know I hate being lied to. It would just be easier if everything had always been a lie. I'd just be able to get on with my life. Three more months, and I'll be gone. And I can start forgetting.

Here's to moving on. Tell him I wish you both well. Just leave me alone.

Love always,