"Life's too short to be unhappy" - what crap. I've been unhappy ever since I can remember, and I have no doubt I'll be unhappy until the day I die. Happiness has rarely been a motivational force for me. It's all too fleeting when it comes, and it always leaves a sour taste. Happiness is over-rated. In some ways it's always been fortunate we're separated by so much distance. I would've been so ashamed if you saw me cry. And we would've become 'real life' lovers. The delicate, romantic bubble that we'd constructed over the past year would've exploded.

It was painstaking, wasn't it? You devoted your heart and soul to make me feel. To encourage me to give of myself, as I never had before. And it worked. The miracle of modern technology provided me with a faceless medium, through which I could tentatively prod at and express my fledgling 'e e m o s h u n s' (as you described them!). You became the cornerstone of my existence. My inspiration for living.

You discomfited me endlessly by professing your love and showering me with the most beautiful compliments, and gifts that arrived in the mail. You'll never know how close you came to eradicating my self hatred and fear of the world. You are undeniably my soulmate. I was in constant awe of your devotion, and brilliance of spirit.

But - then came my decision.

"You cannot keep us both - you must choose, because I can't live like this anymore" Sigh. You let me toy with you until it became unbearable, and you demanded a choice... I chose my husband. I don't know why. I don't feel anymore.

My every moment is filled with thoughts of you - but my body is like a lifeless shell. I don't feel pain, sorrow or anger. I weep freely at inappropriate times, and I see tears slide down my cheek when I sit here at work.

I don't understand what transformation has taken place within me, but it seems as though I'm just waiting. Waiting for time to tick by slowly - each second longer than the last.

I don't know....

I never deserved your unconditional friendship, or love. I had never conceived that I could feel so much for another person, and I will never forgive myself for hurting you so badly. Trust me when I say that every long day, of the rest of my life, I shall mentally punish myself on your behalf. You deserve so much better, and I can only hope that you find it.

In love with you, always~