Read the email I sent you last night? It was pretty short wasn't it? It wasn't meant to be that way. I had so much to say to you, so much to ask you but I just didn't dare, didn't know how to write it down. We haven't met for 3 years and all of a sudden you were in front of me, how do you expect me to feel? At the pub, when we were dancing, I wanted to take a real hard good look at you but I just didn't have the guts. But I think you still look as good as ever, that same boyish smile, that same floppy hair, that same voice that used to utter my name ever so lovingly.

Darryl, do you know that there are so many things I want to ask you? You have all the answers, I only have to ask but I just can't get the words out. I am no longer in love with you, there are no more feelings. But I just want to know what happened to you all these years. How you felt about our breakup and everything. Do you know that sometimes I blame myself for the way you have turned out? Dropping out of school and god knows what else. I just felt so guilty about it. Did I hurt you so much that you just lost interest in everything? You were a bright student, you could have gone on to a good course, why did you do so badly in the O levels? Was it because of me? I'm sorry I left in such a hurry, but I just couldn't stay in that relationship any longer. It was stifling me to death. I wanted to space for myself, to grow, to experience life… without you.

All these years I've always thought that you were so very in love with me and totally devastated after I left. But looking at the way you are treating me now, like I'm just someone from deep inside your past whom you recently unearthed, vaguely recalling what happened between us. You can't even get my name right. Have I deluded myself all this while and painted out a beautiful sad love story for myself? Did you ever look back after I left? Did you really love me, felt for me, hurt because of me? I need some answers from you. Whatever I know about you from the past few years have been from the bits and pieces that I managed to get out from your friends. But they are only pieces. I really want to hear the whole story from you. I need some answers to close that chapter of my life. You can't just leave me hanging. Dear first love, I hope you know that I will always have a soft spot for you. I don't want a reconciliation or whatever, I am very happy with my boyfriend now. I just want to know what really happened.

But at the same time I am afraid. So afraid of what you might say. What if you told me that you had gotten over me long ago? That you were never really as in love with me as I thought? That I was wrong about you all this while? I don't know how I will take it. All these years I've thrived on the assumption that I was the most precious love of your life. I would rather take all the blame for our relationship than for you to say you never really loved me.

I would really want you to see this letter but I just can't. I don't know if you would understand my quest for answers. How can I expect you to understand something that I hardly comprehend myself? I don't want you to think that I still long for you, I don't. I just need you to help me fix that broken chapter in my life, to let me move on in peace.