I haven't seen you in 3 months. I don't care to see you ever again. But the guilt is really getting to me. All of my life you've treated me bad, pushed me around and put me down. You painted kisses on my cheek with the palm of your hand. You hugged me by throwing me up against the wall. You said you loved me by calling me "bitch" and other harsh words. You could never accept me for me. I was always too fat, wearing too short of shorts, something was too tight or too much or not enough. To something for anything. My A should have been an A+, you said I should spend my time with the youth group not the group of friends I had.

You always told me it was my fault. I always believed every word you said because no one ever told me any different. You told me I was fat and I battled an eating disorder through 7th and 8th grade which only 2 people know about. You never had 1 nice thing to say about anything about me. Every aspect of me was trash, I just don't measure up.

But now, after I've moved to Portsmouth with mom, you tell me how wonderful I am and how good I am. Well that is the biggest line of bull shit I've heard yet. You should have told me how great I was when I was really great, instead of now, when I'm everything BUT great. I've learned now that it isn't MY fault, it's YOUR fault.

So why do I feel guilty? Every girl, no actually every person, needs a father. I don't have one. Well there's you...but that isn't much of anything at all. Lately the gaping hole in my heart where you never were is aching for someone to fill the role as "daddy". No one's there. So I've been feeling really low considering it's you or no one. And I've been thinking that just MAYBE I'd give in and give you yet another chance to prove to me that you're a good person, contrary to what you really are...a lying sack of shit. I want a dad. Just not you. But I want one and I'm not sure why. It's one of those unexplainable things. I don't want you or even need someone like you around. But it's been like that for 14 years of my life...it's comfortable. And that's my explanation I use to denounce the fact that I still call you "dad". Hell you don't even deserve the title...you haven't fulfilled your job.

You must be very naive to think that I'd ever actually come back and live with you although I miss my best friends like crazy. Just because it's comfortable doesn't make it right. I just had to write and tell you what's on my heart and weighing down my soul. Hopefully the gaping hole in my heart will change its form if it isn't filled. I can't go on like this. You can't either.

Good bye. I hope the next daughter you have doesn't have the life I had. I hope you don't make her life hell and hurt her and make her life consist of broken hopes and dreams like you have mine. Your day is coming Danny. You think its going so well now...but with the sweet comes the sour.

Nicole