Is that what you are, a friend? Is that where it ends? I can talk to you about anything. Except this. I don't know how to feel about you, whether I should hope for more or be content with what I have. I wish that you could put my confusion to rest, and just tell me what it is exactly, that you want from me. But you won't, will you? No, that would be too easy.

I wish I could convince myself that I don't care how you feel about me. I wish I could rid myself of thoughts of you. But it's the little things that remind me of you. A nick name you call me, a movie we watched together or an odd sock of yours found under the bed. Any one of these things can send my thoughts spinning back into a spiral of confusion. Hope has done me wrong in the past, and I'm stupid to think that things would be any different with you. But I can't stop myself.

The hugs that last longer than any 'just friends' hug should. The way you hold me and tell me it will all be okay, before I even let you know that something is on my mind. The way you glance at me and smile, when you think I'm not watching. The way everybody assumes that there's something going on between us because we 'just look so sweet together.' Because of the way we talk to each other. Or about each other. And your unwillingness to hang up the phone at 3am, after a seemingly never-ending conversation. These things make me wonder.

But then, you make such an effort to push me away. To tell me that there's no-one who is really special to you. No-one who understands. If my questions ever get too personal, you just sigh and look away, or subtly change the subject. Like you're scared to let people get too close. Scared to let me get too close. The way you always make a point of telling me how pretty my friends are. And the way you let my hand slide out of your grasp whenever anybody looks over. These things make me wonder.

I'm faced with a problem, my friend. You see, it would usually be you whom I would turn to when I felt confused, or needed a second opinion. But somehow, whenever I try to tell you, the words die in my throat. I will never send you this letter, for fear of crushing the fragile ray of light that your friendship brings into my life. So I can only hope, that one day you will realise. And understand.

All my love,

Now and forever,

Manda