I've spent almost a week now debating and pondering what is to come of this situation. On one hand, I have the memory of a friend... a friend and a lover who I (at one point) could tell anything and everything to. And on the other hand... I have what is left of you and us now. Small talk and ignorant words that mean absolutely nothing and will never change the course of events that the rest of our lives might take.

I have so much pain built up within me now... eating at my brain and my heart and my soul... and I am afraid to empty it because I don't know what will come of it. I am afraid to let myself show what I feel... I am afraid that I might discover that I never stopped loving you. I'm confused and hurt and distraught... and sometimes, I wish that I had never met you.

So do I chase this memory, in the hope that it might become a reality again? Do I open it back up, like a wound that is almost healed, simply for you to pour that salt right back upon it? Do I tell you what you mean to me, and that I truly and honestly believe we were never laid to rest the way we should have been?

Do I leave it alone and let it die like we did, eventually, after much hate and awful words had been put out between us? Do I say nothing about the past... and act as if I never knew you any better than I do now?

I ask this because I am dying. I am dying because I loved you and I loved what you were. I loved the way you accepted me and I loved what you made me become. I loved the things you brought to me and taught me... I love what you showed me and all the happiness you made for me in the past.

And it is absolutely killing me inside. Killing me that after a year's time, you can just come waltzing back into my life... like you never even left.

I lied to you. I lied to you when I told you that I was over you, and I lied to you when I told you that I thought I cared about someone new. And I will continue to lie to you, because I don't know what else I am to do.

And I will never know what to do... and this pain and hurt and agonizing... this wondering and waiting and anticipating... it will never cease or subside. It will never go away... it will haunt me break my heart ten times more every day... never once letting up.

Just exactly like my love for you...

-Always-

Elisabeth