That was how old I thought you looked, twelve. I always knew I would end up writing you a letter here. I was just waiting for some kind of closure on our relationship. One way or another. But it never came and it probably never will.

I would see you checking me out at the club. But I thought you looked too young. Then I saw you that day after the parade. I had a couple beers in me so I thought, "what the hell, I'll say hi." I realized you weren't "twelve" when I approached you. That was almost a year and a half ago.

We dated for a few months. It was great when I actually saw you. But you never had a lot of time for me. You always seem to be leading a very hectic life. I think you just try to stay busy so you can avoid reality.

Then I started dating someone else. Someone who loved me. I told you and asked you what you wanted. But you said you liked being able to see other people. So I chose her, because she made me chose. I didn't want to lose you. But I guess I never really had you, did I?

I found out that your long distance relationship was moving to town. Probably to be with you. And as it turned out, she was moving in with you. To be exclusive with you. But you told me you didn't know if that was what you wanted. Like Natalie Imbruglia you were "torn." At least that's what you told me.

So we went out one last time. And you told me your reason for keeping me at a distance the whole time we dated was because SHE might be coming back. You didn't want to get too attached. But somewhere down the line, you fucked that up, didn't you? Since you ended up spending that night with me. And you cried the next day at work when you received my email. You even left work early cuz you couldn't handle being there. Then you came over that evening and we cried some more. That was when we held each other for the last time. I mean really held each other like we were one. I watched you walk out my door, knowing that you were going to meet her and that you really didn't want to. I have never felt pain and hurt like that before.

We tried to be just friends. But it took months before we could see each other without feeling weird. Our relationship was mostly email. It still is today. I think you like it that way cuz it's safe.

Now, seven months have gone by. I broke up with my girlfriend in that time. You broke up with yours. We are still friends and have had no romantic involvement since that night. But the attraction is still there, we both feel it. We have even talked about it a little bit. You worry that if something were to happen, we would ruin our friendship or that you would end up hurting me. And although I try not to get my hopes up, I can't help it.

Wanna know the most ironic thing? It's me finding out that not only were you dating a guy about a month ago, who was moving far away, but that you have fallen for him. Now you tell me that you are confused because you have emotional as well as physical feelings for him. I think that you might be in love with him. The ironic part? I find all this out right after I discover that I'm in love with you. Is that funny or what? It's so funny my eyes are filling up with tears as I type this!

In two short days, you are taking me out to dinner for my 30th birthday. I am so not looking forward to it right now. Do you know why? Because I'm afraid to find out how much you care for this guy. And even if you care for me as much and we have a wonderful night and end up making the best love ever, I know that you will still push me away. You still won't have time for me. You will still remain closed off to me.

I think you just want what you can't have. You like to pine for people who are unavailable. And even though you want me, I'm just too available for your liking. Maybe I'm the same as you. Maybe I just want what I can't have. I know I need to move on and learn to be just your friend, but it's hard. And I bet if I suddenly became unavailable, you'd be back on my doorstep. What do you think?

I hate this. I hate being in love with you. It hurts me so much. I know you never asked me to fall in love with you but I did. The worst part is I don't know how to make the hurt and jealousy go away. I've tried so hard to just be your friend. The feelings went away for a while. But your constant flirting with me just brings everything right back to the surface.

Maybe I'm just having a moment of weakness. Maybe dinner will be fantastic on Friday. Maybe I won't get butterflies or that warm feeling inside when you call me "Baby." Maybe all the lust in my heart will just disappear. I pray to God that it does soon.

Always,

D