This is going to be very hard for me and might take awhile. It's been a long time coming to this point. Eric let me read his letter and it got me thinking- and then I couldn't think of anything else.

I'm sorry I couldn't see you the last time. I just couldn't. I didn't want to remember you that way. I barely remember you at all and I couldn't have that be my strongest memory of you.

I have a lot to say and a lot to ask. Knowing I won't get any feedback or answers doesn't make it any easier, but at least it is a start to letting go. I have so much guilt when it comes to you. I just realized that I've felt guilty since I was about 5 or 6. I always thought I was the reason you left. Both Mom and you, in your letters, told me differently. But that has been there a long time, there is no getting rid of it. I feel guilty for not trying harder the one time you came to see Eric & I. But I was under the influence of an evil stepfather and a weak mother. I believe I was brain washed to a certain extent. Being a child, you believe what adults tell tell you. I know you were not perfect by any means, but I was lead to believe you were the bad guy, that you didn't love me or want me. And you did nothing to disprove that. I feel the most guilt over how and why you left the last time. Even though I didn't pull the trigger, I feel I had a lot to do with it. I had just been thinking that it was time to let bygones be bygones. Apparently, you had been thinking something entirely different. I feel guilty because I couldn't tell the pastor what to say at your funeral because I didn't know you!

Besides the guilt, I have a lot of anger. I'm angry because you didn't try either. You had both Eric and my numbers yet we heard nothing from you. You knew what the stepfather was and yet you let him have control of us. I don't try to understand this. I guess we all thought there would be time to go back and mend those bridges. I'm angry that now I'll never be able to hear your side of all the stories. And I don't trust Mom's version. I'm angry because I never had a father. The stepfather was a source of constant pain and ridicule. All I ever wanted was to be " Daddy's little girl", because if you Daddy doesn't love you, who will? I'm angry because the least you could have done was tell us WHY. Why after 15 years, I had to be with a grand mother,uncle and cousin I barley remember. Why I had to walk into your house and see myself everywhere from the bookcase to the refrigerator. Why my uncle had to tell me you had my picture in your wallet and a baby picture of Eric and I next to your bed. Why I miss you and feel closer to you now that your gone.

Now I should thank you.I feel that everything happens for reason. So had you tried harder to be a part of my life, things might not be as they are. Because I had no one else, I am very close to my brother. He is my rock, the only male person in my life I can be sure will always be there. I think because you weren't there, he felt the need to be protective of me, overly so sometimes. I feel sorry for people who don't get along with their siblings, I couldn't get along without mine. Thank you. If you had been there I might not have become so close to my maternal grandparents. Over the years they have shown me how lucky I am. I only hope I can live to deserve their love. Thank you. If you had been a part of my life, I don't think my mother and I would be half as close as we are. She is my best friend and at times the best example of what I don't want to become. But I am a lot like her, because all she wanted was for her Daddy to love her, too. She does her best and I love her with everything that I am. Thank you. I should even thank you for the experiences I got from having the stepfather. By being the bastard that he was, he taught me to be strong willed and stand up for myself and what I believe in. He taught me never to depend on anyone else for what I need or want because you can only do for yourself. His abuse taught me that what I do and what I have do not equal who I am. Thank you.

I'm almost 30 years old and am still looking for who I am. I have succeeded at some things and failed at others. I may be alone right now, but at least I don't mind the company. I love my mother and my brother and his family, which I take as my own. His kids are the world to me. I call them the only kids I'll have because I'm afraid of screwing up my own so badly. I understand now that everything we do influences them. And they are so very fragile. I want them to know only love from me. I want them to have lots of fond memories of me later in life. Something I don't have.

I wish I could have known you. I wish you could have known me. I think we would have been great friends and could have learned a lot from each other, like how to let go of the past. I may write again from time to time. I still have a lot to say.

Until then, I love you and I miss you.

Love, Your daughter,

Catherine