You know that we are close, closer than I have ever been to any girl in
my life. We've been through so very much together, through Cancer and
cheating, through broken hearts and lost dreams. I've seen you slip and I've
caught you many times, as you have seen me begin to wander down the wrong
path and dragged me back to the right. I love you so much, more than I ever
thought I could love a friend, and I care about you to no end.
But everything has changed in just a few days. You are with a child that
you can't keep, and I understand that you can't keep it. I understand the
pain that you feel and the regret and the guilt. I wish that that bloody
doctor hadn't been an incompetent idiot and I wish that you could have found
out that you were with a child before you drank and before you did your
drugs. Now you have to get an abortion, and with all the strength I have,
I'll stand by you in that and hold your hand.
What I can't help feeling is that you see this as another chance for
attention. You see this horrible tragedy as a way for sympathy to come
flowing your way like golden tides and I hate that. I hate you for that.
The way you told our friend about your problem, smiling. SMILING. As if it
were this inside joke or just another piece of gossip. As if the fact that
you are going to kill a piece of something inside of you were just another
story in a ho hum day.
A person I work with explained to me what happens when you get an
abortion, very graphically, tonight and I cried. I cried for you and for
that person inside of you that will never have a chance to live. I cried
because I knew that the reality of all of this would never fully hit you and
you would never fully understand the horror of it all. We are too young to
go through this, we shouldn't have to go through this. But you won't be the
one going through it, I will. Maybe that's my own problem, that I feel the
need to take on the responsibility of responsibility, but I still hate you
for that. I hate you for that smile.
This will all pass in a few months. I'll forget about my pain and my
tears and my guilt. But I'll never forget that smile. And I'll never
forgive you for doing this to me and our friend. I'm sorry for that.
With all the affection I can fake from now until our ships pass,
Beth
