Wow. I don't think you deserved to be called "Dear". But as I think about it, although you don't, you still are very "dear" to me.

It's hard to put what I'm feeling into words. One big reason being that I cannot exactly pinpoint what I'm feeling. Strange as it my sound... I'm sad, giddy, depressed, excited, confused and mad all at the same time.

You made me cry. Many times. Why? I don't know. You always said I was too emotional. And that I "scared" you. I guess you were right... I seem to be intense when it comes to things that I care about. Like you.

I know I need to go on with my pathetic life. It would be so much more joyous without you wandering around in my head 24/7. But it's so odd to think I have to give up the only thing that gave me happiness, to MAKE me happy. And it's also odd that when I do become happy... I can't share it with you. Not a damn part of it. And that's all I use to look forward to... sharing things with you. Now I can't just pick up the phone and dial your number. "Oh... I met a guy today... he is so cute! Blah, blah blah."

That conversation is and will always be non-existent.

Yeah, I lost a "lover" (that sounds extremely wrong), but I miss you most of all as a friend. Sometimes I think, "Was Alfa really my friend?". In dictionary terms... a definite no. Ok so maybe you weren't, but I still treasured you as one. And I love my friends more than anything. Anything.

I miss you so much. The way you breathed, the way you lied, your eyelashes, the way you tickle me just so you could touch me. I thought I was the reason you woke up in the morning. But I was being conceited, I guess. Strange to think, since my self-esteem level has always been in the high negatives. Actually, you made me love myself more. Although it was just a little... it helped. And you wanted me to succeed... to be something special. You watched out for me, like you really cared. As in the way I cared for you.

But you didn't. I don't think.

Still... I don't regret a thing.

I should, but I don't. You gave me so much pleasure and excitement in our short time "together" (if you can call it that). And I thank you for it. Again, you don't deserve much of anything, but I am generous girl. You know that. So I would like to thank you with all the heart that I have left, pizza-eating-pasta-making-retard (remember that?). For giving me love... even though it was a fake, trash love. It was love nonetheless. And I believe it will make me stronger. Although I'm weak and slouching right now... I know my time at the top will come. And being with you will make that time just as much greater. Thank you.

Can I ask you something? Why do you still look at me?

I catch you. And you know it. I'll find you glancing (or straight up staring) at me from time to time. If you have so many women, why look at me? Because I meant a lot to you at one point. Didn't I? I know you aren't one to admit things. What a shame. So I will admit for you... ok? Alfa cared very, very, very much for me at one time.

There.

And you keep that deep down inside you, huh? Please don't forget it... even if you don't say it aloud for anyone. Even yourself.

Love isn't a fling. It is something that is eternal. So although things didn't work out, a piece of that love will remain someplace in us forever. I would like you to know that, because I suspect you'll forget. You always did have the worst memory. You never admitted that either.

So be careful, Alfa. Be strong, healthy and happy. You don't deserve any of it... but I hate to wish anything bad on you. Because good things come to those who wait. And I have waited. You have not... and gotten away with EVERYTHING. Karma exists, so I don't worry. I just pray you'll be ok with all the shit that's coming to you. My deepest sympathy.

One last thing. I love you. Well, wait. I don't know about that. If I love you, that must mean love is one screwed up son of a bitch. But, hey... who knows? It probably is. So... I love you. And I do truly care. I just want to know how caring about someone can turn into hate. Like when you cared about me. What the hell happened?

It's so sad.

But so are you, my "dear".

Sincerely,

Marita