So.There

Was it that first look or touch that was to enrich my life, leaving me a little different from who I was before I met you? I struggled with my thoughts; should I listen to them? I struggled with my heart, trying not to let you in, but you reached into my heart without my realizing. I didn't understand what was happening until it happened.

I knew you were leaving, as I had always know, but each time we met and embraced I began to find it just a little harder to let you go. For the first time in my life, I had given a part of me. I was happy. Something I'd never known until you came along. Was it such a crime to want to hold onto that?

So it arrived, that day I wished would never arrive. The day I had to set you free, in the hope that you would one day return. Would that day come as fast as the day you left did? What was left to say? We met one last time. Should we laugh? Pretend everything was okay? We were hurting, we couldn't deny all we had shared. It showed in our eyes, we felt it in our hearts. You told me you would always miss me, would always wonder, would always remember me. I knew then I would always love you.

And then with the most infinite tenderness I have ever known, you put your arms around me and kissed me one last time. I tried to turn away. Once again, I struggled with my heart, this time to let you go. In that last kiss we were worlds apart, feeling the distance that was about to separate us. The embrace that told us we didn't want to part, the lips that whispered "goodbye." Gone.

Making our way back to our own lives, each step taking us further apart. Was I dreaming? Had it all been a dream? Why, when you were gone, was there an aching in my heart, an infinite sadness? As you packed your bags, did you pack away a million memories--that first moment we met, that first moment we kissed, that first moment we fell in love, laughing together, singing in the rain….Where had it all gone, what had it all meant?

How did you find me in my corner of the world? How did you know exactly what I needed? How did I know you were the one the very moment I looked into your eyes? Why did I find you only to lose you?

I would've given up my world to be a part of yours. That's how much I loved you. I had spent my whole life wishing, hoping for someone like you to come along, and yet in your presence I could never tell you everything you made me feel. Was it partly love, mostly fear, that prevented me from telling you the truth? I don't know. And then it had all come too soon. That moment, when there was nothing left to wait for. For what I had spent my life wishing for, had come...and gone.

I still miss you all this time later. No one has replaced all you took with you when you left. I have come to accept that part of me will always love you, no matter where you are, no matter who you're with, no matter how much pain you still cause me. I will always love you, no matter what. I don't know if we can erase all that has happened since--the arguments, the misunderstandings, the jealousy, the tension. I never knew we would face that side of love. You began to hate me, just as I began to hate you. But to hate someone, you must first love them. Wherever you may be right now, I hope there's a place in your heart for me. I hope that sometime, if ever you doubt where you're at in this life, that you will look up at the nearest star in the sky and know that it is my love, still shining for you after all of this time. And for all time to come.